I Think My Heart is Broken

I was asked to write an article on whatever is on my heart. Well, I think my heart is broken.

I am grieving right now. It’s a long, extremely slow process. Let me share with you what happened.

We lost a grandson early Wednesday, March 29th. My daughter was pregnant with her first child. She had some health issues before she conceived where they had to remove parts of her cervix so they weren’t sure how the whole pregnancy would go. But she was doing GREAT!! Everything was going perfectly! I even got to go with her and see my squirmy little grandson in the womb. His name is Bodie Lane Brake. On March 28th, with my daughter at 33 weeks, she called and told me that she was in labor and on the way to the hospital in Shawnee. I started praying immediately but I knew that Bodie was healthy and lots of babies came this early. She told me to wait to leave the house because they would probably just send her home. She called me back about an hour and a half later and said that they couldn’t find his heartbeat. I prayed the entire way there, still believing that everything would be okay.  But when I got there the reality hit me in the face…our little Bodie was gone. We were all in shock! She thought she had felt him kicking just that morning. Then she had to go through labor and deliver our perfect little boy. He had a full head of gorgeous, curly reddish blond hair and he was PERFECT.

I will tell you honestly and openly that I COULD NOT wrap my heart and mind around what happened. To see my daughter holding her baby and weeping, not being able to understand what happened, was CRUSHING! I had been praying for a healthy baby. I had begged God to protect Bodie in the womb. My heart felt broken! I felt like I was living a nightmare! There were NO WORDS to say to my daughter and her husband. NONE! I just continued to pray for God to comfort them. But as for me…I struggled.

I know our family isn’t the only one to go through this. In fact, Bodie isn’t the first grandchild that we didn’t get to love on. I know there are SO MANY of you out there with a piece of your heart missing because of the loss of a baby.

Let me remind you to turn to the Father. My daughter posted a “saying” on her Facebook page that helped numb the hurting in my heart. It said, “And to think when your little eyes opened the first thing you saw was the face of Jesus”. I had been praying fervently all throughout my daughter’s pregnancy that I would be able to love on Bodie and show him Jesus. To teach him to love Jesus with all his heart. That prayer was answered. My precious grandson never knew any of the hurts and struggles of this life. He will just know Jesus!

The night Bodie was delivered our friend David Deffenbaugh said a prayer with Wayne and I and in his prayer he mentioned that God would understand our loss because He too had lost a son. That prayer has helped me. My God loves me! My God wants what is best for me! My God has put life in motion and sometimes hard things happen.

It is amazing to see how God works in our lives! I presented two ladies days during this span of time on “Singin’ in the Rain”, how to get through the storms of your life. Man, I needed that!! It helped me remember to turn to Him! Not that I was “leaving” Him, but I was SOOOO hurt that I was trying to carry it all by myself. I was wallowing. But ”God is our refuge and strength. A very present help in trouble”(Psalm 46:1).  Our God is there for us!

My daughter’s post after reading a book on grieving: “It is filled with tons of reminders of God’s love and reminders that He is always by your side. During this whole tragedy, the only thing I can do is trust in God and put my faith in Him, no matter how hard that may be.” My daughter used this HORRIBLE nightmare to turn to the Lord! If she can, so can I!!

God is listening! He is there for us! Remember to keep pouring your heart out to Him! He understands! “Incline Thine ear to me, rescue me quickly; Be Thou to me a rock of strength, a stronghold to save me.” Verse 3 of Psalm 31:1-5

On those day when you just have no strength and feel like you just can’t “do” another day, remember, “Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

Be like Job….after he loses EVERYTHING, including his children, he still says, “Blessed be the name of the Lord”. Job 1:22 even says, “Through all this, Job did not sin nor did he blame God.”

Yes, I think my heart is broken but I know my Jesus is the Great Physician. I will hold on to Him with all I have left and He will get me through! And Heaven just gets better all the time…filling up with those that we love that have gone before us.

About Tami Roberts 5 Articles
Tami Roberts has raised 5 children, 4 boys and a girl and now is a Grandma. Her favorite past time is spending time with God’s people. She believes when we are strong and faithful the lost will see that we are different and want the life that we have. She and her husband Wayne travel the country conducting the His Shoes/Her Shoes marriage seminar.

1 Comment on I Think My Heart is Broken

  1. Thanks for sharing! We also lost our first grand babies -twins. The pain is real! And so is the comfort and peace that only God can supply. Praying for your family.

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